Author Archives: loveandgarbage

About loveandgarbage

I watch the telly and read when not doing law stuff and plugging my decade and a half old unwatched Edinburgh fringe show.

The map

I had not thought of the map for years. But afterwards, as we talked, I told her about the map that had been dumped in the middle of sounds and tastes, and tensed shoulders and tightened neck. I told her … Continue reading

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I don’t know who I am

– I’m scared. – why? – of what comes after. When this is done. When it’s finished. When I’m better. – – I don’t know who I am. – – I don’t know who I am. Or why I am. … Continue reading

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Ghosts

You fear them. They are there, always. They know who you are. They know what you are. They are there for you, only for you. No one else sees them. No one else hears. No one else feels them lean … Continue reading

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Hurting yourself

It is hard to admit that there are times where you deliberately hurt yourself. Talking or writing about an illness, with identifiable symptoms where there is a treatment is easier. It might be a mental problem but talking about an … Continue reading

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Some old stories: Party going

I wrote Party Going in late 96. I was midway through a legal traineeship, some years on from school. I didn’t really do parties. I attended a couple when in secondary school. And by attended I mean turned up and … Continue reading

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Some old stories: Steve and the Hamsters

Between the ages of 17 and 27 I wrote a lot. Short stories. Poems. Autofiction. I got rid of most of it. Hardly any of the poetry survives, which is no loss to humanity. I had kept some stories though. … Continue reading

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Words matter

In recent weeks sitting in the chair talking has become uncomfortable again. I slide down, arms folded, legs crossed, head inclined, glimpsing my therapist over the top of my glasses. Sometimes we talk for nearly two hours, sometimes less, sometimes … Continue reading

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In the loop

Waking at four. Lying there. Hearing, feeling heart, chest raise, fall. Hearing the voice. The whisper. Hearing it. The whisper in the ear. The whisper that denies self. The whisper that denies worth. The whisper that denies. In the ear. … Continue reading

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Revolution

I’d told her that I couldn’t sleep. Every night I was fighting to sleep. My head was preoccupied. It would get to two in the morning. I’d put music on, radio shows. And I’d hear them through. I’d lie there, … Continue reading

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“It happened and I can learn to move on”

I had not done light bar work for three weeks. The last time I broke down. I started sobbing. She’d stopped the session. I had started work on positive cognition. Reflecting on the trauma – having the image of the … Continue reading

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Some stuff

  Back at work. In the room where you locked the door. In the room where you locked the door and closed the blinds and sat. Sat on the floor, in the corner. Feeling each breath. Forcing each breath to … Continue reading

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Trust

  – How have you been? – – – Fine, I guess. – Last week seemed a bit more emotional for you. – It was. It was harder than the weeks before. I struggled. I got upset during it, and … Continue reading

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Reaching out

– So, how are things this week? – Fine. It’s been fine. Last week, it’s been different. The session last week, the light bar, it was different. I wasn’t in the event as long, not really. Not reliving. And I … Continue reading

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Salvation

– so how was the past week? – better I think. I had a dip after the session, but it wasn’t as deep and it wasn’t as long. But last week’s session was different. We went longer on the light … Continue reading

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Conversation before the light work

– – – when I started this, when I went to the counsellor, I wanted it all to vanish. If I’d had a switch and I could have flicked it and erased everything up here and in here I would … Continue reading

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it

they laughed you heard them laugh you heard them laugh downstairs and as you heard the laughter that night it was there it was there in your room, large, dark it forced its way in – snarling you lay – … Continue reading

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“the barrister interrupted and queried why she was using the term “You” instead of “I”.”

The report of the conduct surrounding the trial of the rugby players is horrible in various ways. Others will comment on other aspects but for me one line stood out. “the barrister interrupted and queried why she was using the … Continue reading

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Days of the hedgehog

Same day. Same time. Same place. I sit. She opens the file, asks about the week. – The last session was upsetting. It’s hard to. You see things had been progressing. I’d felt things were progressing. I was going through … Continue reading

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Dream

EMDR has knock on effects. Sometimes there are intrusive memories during the week between sessions – things you covered in the session, things you did not. This week there have been dreams. I do not usually remember dreams. But as … Continue reading

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You know what? The hat really is a secondary issue

  hat hat hat filtered hat hat altered hat tinted background hat hat hat filtered red hat fisherman’s hat red hat tit for tat hat hat red hat hat hat red red tint background filter hat hat red hat hat … Continue reading

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