I don’t know who I am

– I’m scared.

– why?

– of what comes after. When this is done. When it’s finished. When I’m better.

– I don’t know who I am.

– I don’t know who I am. Or why I am. Or what I am.

– I don’t know.

– It all happened before I knew who I was, before I had a shape, before I was. You know?

– What would I have been? Who would I have been? Who could I have been?

– Understand?

– This. This passivity has been there throughout. All the time. Choices. Individual choices. Did I make any of them?

– Who am I?

– Can you tell me who I am?

– I’m scared. I don’t know what I decided, what I actively decided. I’ve told you about the degree, the job, after. Life. I. I feel like I was a recipient. They happened to me. I didn’t. I didn’t choose, you know. I didn’t. Not actively. They happened.

– Would I have done any of them? Would I have done anything? Would I be where I am? Would I be who I am? Would I be doing what I do? I.

– I fell into things. I fell into everything.

– I don’t know who I am.

– Can you tell me? Can you help?

– I don’t know who I am.

– Please. Please help.

– Who am I?

– Who?

– What if I throw everything up in the air? What if I want to throw everything up in the air? What if that’s who I am? What if none of this is me? What if this passivity has disguised that I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time? That I’m not the person people think I am. What if it’s wrong? What if I’m wrong?

– I’m scared. I can’t hide forever, can’t hide behind that passivity, can’t let every decision be one where I react to what happens, where I do what others want, what others expect. I can’t.

– But the responsibility. The responsibility is scary. It’s terrifying. What if people don’t like me as I should be? What if I’m not who I think I am? Not who they think I am? What do I do?

– Taking decisions is scary.

– But it can be empowering.

– you can decide what you should do, where you should be. That’s empowering.

– You can shape your future. Your future is yours. You can choose it.

– I know.

– That’s what scares me.

– Why?

– What if I know where I am right? What if I know? What if I know already? What if I’ve started making choices?

– I’m scared.



About loveandgarbage

I watch the telly and read when not doing law stuff and plugging my decade and a half old unwatched Edinburgh fringe show.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to I don’t know who I am

  1. Pingback: Some personal posts | Love and Garbage – some commonplace musings

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s