be kind to yourself

– So this week?

– I was at the GP again. And at hospital. I’m off, still off.  Another month. Too long. It’s bothering me. There are people having to step in and cover stuff and they’re stretched already and I’ve made things worse. It’s a bad time for them, just now. I should

– But you’re ill.

– It’s not your fault.

– I should.

– Be kind to yourself.

– It’s hard. You know? It’s

– The hospital?

– The hospital appointment was helpful. She explained the physiology. How it worked. Why I’m stuck. That something is so overwhelming that your brain can’t handle it. That it can’t process it, leaves it raw, a giant knot of emotion and it’s stuck and can’t move through to the next part, and you can’t process. And you deal with it in various ways. You ignore it. You cope by ignoring it. By developing things to avoid it. And so this. This.

– She said that it happened. The. Well. It was because my reserves had been worn down, that the body and the brain could not keep up the effort to keep it out. And so I. Normal coping strategies would break down. And when, you know, when you’re faced with it it overwhelms you because it’s the raw stuff that hits you, the unprocessed mishmash, with everything that went with it. Everything. The feelings. The hurt. The. Distress. Understand? That distress. That overwhelming feeling that meant you couldn’t cope in the first place. The unprocessed raw emotional punch. And it hits your head and hits your gut and

– It’s not there in my head all the time. It’s not.

– But it must be. Because things that years ago wouldn’t have mattered matter.

– It’s the transporting. The sense that you are fully here and fully somewhere else. And when I’ve tried to explain to people they look at me as if I’m. Well, you know. They do. It’s like.

– Do you know The Prisoner? The TV series?

– [shakes head]

– He was a spy, and he resigned and is kidnapped and wakes up in a place where his identity’s been wiped. The identity of everyone has been wiped. They’re numbers. Just numbers. And if they try to escape there are guards, giant guards like. You know those big balls that people can use on water – you go inside them and.  The guards are like those big balls. And it’s like having one of those in your head. Semi-opaque. You can see through sometimes in some lights, you can see round it, but there are times where you are very conscious it’s there. Hyper-conscious. And at those times you view everything through that. It distorts your view. Everything is seen through it, but you’re still aware where you are, and you feel everything that’s there. If you were cut or pricked you’d feel that sharp pain. But you’re somewhere else too. Feeling that. Aware of that.

– And it can be a smell. Or reading about something, where you can feel what happened because it.

– You feel it. Triggers, they call it. And it’s not a great word, but it takes you. That instant you are there, and not there. Schrodinger’s person. You feel it. You feel

– I feel.

– Or it can be a touch or a smell or a voice or a tone. Sitting there and hearing someone, or a particular way of speaking, and I’m off. I’m there but not there. I keep hearing what is around me, but I see the. And it’s so vivid. So visceral. You are there, seeing the room, and everything. And feeling the

– And it is overwhelming. Because that raw emotion of being there, of it happening, engulfs you, takes over you, and you are caught. You are stuck.

– And it’s there. In vision. In your head.

– All the time.

– In your head.

– And you can’t

– You can’t

– Breathe in now. Breathe in.

– Out.

– And again.

– It’s not your fault. It wasn’t your fault. And again. Think about how you’d be with someone else. What you’d do. What you’d think.

– And again.

– Be kind to yourself.

– Be kind


About loveandgarbage

I watch the telly and read when not doing law stuff and plugging my decade and a half old unwatched Edinburgh fringe show.
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2 Responses to be kind to yourself

  1. paulframe85 says:

    Be kind to yourself is great advice. I hope that the help helps

  2. Pingback: Some personal posts | Love and Garbage – some commonplace musings

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