I saw [Thing in the news] [yesterday/today/tomorrow] and [insert comment indicating that I wasn’t really bothered about it until I realised I could write something ridiculous about it for money]. It occurred to me [it didn’t] that if [thing in the news] had happened [in/at/to] [thing unrelated to thing in the news but which is the sort of thing that if I mention it in the title to this piece will get people clicking through to the piece] then [ridiculous consequence unrelated to the original thing in the news but sufficiently outlandish that if mentioned in the bit under the heading people will look at it and think, “Jesus Christ, that’s outrageous”].
[Waffle with some polysyllabic words to justify appearance of this in a site related to a broadsheet rather than a tabloid, referring back to earlier outlandish comment before segueing into a thing even more outlandish which is unrelated to earlier outlandish comment but which will allow some words to appear in a caption of the photo of the woman (it has to be a woman, people on the internet won’t click if there’s a picture of a man (that’s why my byline picture is so small)) chosen to accompany this piece]
[Conclusion asserting ridiculous points made earlier but with a conviction pretending to the uninformed idiot I expect to read this piece that through the process of magic I have logically deduced this conclusion from the things mentioned earlier in the piece]
And let me conclude by asking what does this mean for [insert leader of the opposition of your choice]?