I was fortunate today in securing the interview everyone in Scottish football wants – with beleaguered SFA chief Stewart Regan. Regan was a popular long-running character in TV’s The Sweeney before entering sports administration and after successful spells with [hey ed, can you check? He must have had a successful spell in sports administration with someone surely?] took a senior role at the Scottish Football Association. Well-known for his understated rhetoric on football matters I managed to track Mr Regan down to the SFA’s nuclear bunker facility in Largs where Mr Regan has laid in supplies ready for the coming months of social unrest. Currently living on a diet of tinned peaches and evaporated milk Mr Regan has had a stressful few days and offered a warning about the coming months.
“I can assure football fans across Scotland that the four horsemen of the apocalypse are astride their mighty steeds ready to lay waste to the second and third division teams of the Scottish Football League unless Rangers are allowed in to the first division of the SFL. First, Pestilence will appear. The supporters of East Stirlingshire, for example, will be afflicted with a severe cold that will spread not only to them but to workmates and close friends and relations. And those supporting Elgin City will find that their children are covered in a severe dose of chickenpox.
“Thereafter fans will face War.” At that Regan paused and shook his head, breaking down. “What is that good for?” He then wept, his concern for the clubs of the second and third division etched into his tear-streaked face. “Absolutely nothing.”
I paused to console him – before asking if he had any further concerns for Scottish football clubs and supporters if Rangers were not permitted immediately into the top flight of the Scottish Football League to ensure that a series of sponsors who cannot be identified will remove all of their money from the Scottish Premier League upsetting teams who happily broke away from the SFL with little or no concern for what was left behind.
“Next is famine,” he declaimed in tones similar to those adopted by an evangelical preacher. “I warn those clubs and supporters in the lower tiers of Scottish football that your teams will not win any of the big cups in the game. The glut of endless trophy winning your teams have had over the years of your support will be at an end.” He grabbed my collar. “Do you really want that to happen?” Releasing my collar, he sighed. “Do they really want that to happen?” He shook his head. “No Cups. No European football.” He sat down. “They might win none of these big trophies for years. Don’t they understand? What is the point of supporting a team unless your club wins one of the big cups every season? And enjoys awaydays in Estonia being tanked by wee teams nobody had heard of until the Europa League draw.”
And then? I prompted.
“There will be death. If these small pointless teams with their small pointless groups of supporters do not let Rangers into the first division of the Scottish Football League we will take away their ball, and not let them play. We’ll introduce a second tier to the SPL and no team will ever be relegated from it. See how they like that? hahahahahahahahaha. See?”
As the bunker echoed to his maniacal laughter I made my excuses and left.