Instant pop obituarist, Paul Gambaccini, is still being sought by police following the latest untimely death to befall the world of pop music.
A police spokesman said, “A member of the public called us last night at around quarter to midnight to advise that he had spotted Gambaccini on a news channel commenting on the untimely death of a Bee Gee. After eulogising in his normal fashion that the deceased was “a very important figure in [whatever the particular type of music the deceased was involved in]” he praised his song writing talents by referrring to other artists, including some that have died that he has given instant obituaries for. It was as if he was taunting us. The other names he mentioned could perhaps be future victims and we have – with the co-operation of forces in other countries – ensured each person named is given police protection. At the end of the interview Gambaccini indicated, through subtle vocal intonation, that he would be happy to appear on other news outlets throughout the evening or early the following morning. Bearing this in mind we did send a team of officers up to Salford for BBC Breakfast to keep an eye for him outside the studio, but like all guests now except David Cassidy and Shaun Ryder Gambaccini wasn’t physically there. We are aware that this latest appearance means there have been two bouts of instant obituarising within a week and it appears that Gambaccini’s reign of terror is reaching a critical stage. The taste of pop blood is on his lips. We must not sate it. We have urged all media outlets to cut their fees for instant pop obituarising in order to ensure that he is encouraged into the open soon, ostensibly to prey on his next victim. I therefore urge every person ever involved in music to stay in their homes. Whether you sing, play an instrument, produce, or write music, or have ever done any of those things you may be at threat. It doesn’t matter if your sole connection with popular music was to have appeared as a piper during that bit in Mull of Kintyre you are potentially at risk. Stay inside. Keep the door locked. And if a man with an American accent shouts through your letter box asking to speak to you to determine how important a figure you are in the history of a particular genre of popular music please call us immediately. A team of officers is ready to respond at an instant. Stay safe, pop stars. Stay safe.”