Last night I watched Newsnight. Like most news programmes now it was mainly about pasties and jerry-cans of petrol. The entire show was watched over by a twenty litre jerry-can – sitting there like a tribal totem.
There was a vox pop involving an eager regional news reporter running around harassing people about pasties in Leeds station, looking forlornly at a pasty shop.
I made a transcript of the key section involving Jeremy Paxman interviewing a Conservative and a Labour MP.
PAXMAN: y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-s-s-s-s. Pasty pasty pasty. Pasty pasty. Pastygate. With me pasty pasty Conservative pasty pasty Labour pasty.
[turns to Conservative]
PAXMAN: pasty pasty pasty pasty Prime Minister pasty closed pasty pasty lying through his pasty pasty
CONSERVATIVE: pasty pasty pasty busy pasty pasty pasty. Prime MInisterial diary pasty pasty how expected to pasty pasty pasty
PAXMAN: pasty pasty pasty north pasty pasty all north alike pasty pasty
CONSERVATIVE: lots of pasties pasty pasty yum yum north pasty pasty Prime Minister pasty pasty. Pasty pasty expect to remember pasties pasties. Very busy pasties.
CONSERVATIVE: Pasty, pasty. Pasty pasty. Pasties. Cornish pasties.
PAXMAN: 5 YEARS AGO?!? Pasty pasty. SHUT 5 YEARS AGO!
CONSERVATIVE: Pasty pasty pasty. Pasty pasty.
PAXMAN: and turning to pasty pasty pasty. Cynical pasty pasty photographed pasty pasty Greggs?
LABOUR: I love pasties pasty pasty yum yum. Pasty pasty pasty. Pasty pasty pasties. sausage roll.
PAXMAN: pasty pasty pasty Osborne and Cameron in pasty pasty pasty YOUR CARAVAN?
LABOUR: Pasty pasty pasty. Out of touch pasties pasties. Sausage rolls. Pies. Pies pies. Pasties. Ooh, I love pies. And pasties. Yum yum. Pasties pasties pastie. Sausage rolls. Ordinary folk. Pasties pasties pasties.
PAXMAN: Pasty pasty pasty? Seriously?
LABOUR: Pasty pasty pasty. Current government pasty pasty pies. Ambient temperature. Pasty pasty. Pasty pasty pasties pies cool down pasty pasty pies sausage rolls ambient temperature. I love pasties.
PAXMAN: Psty pasty pasty. Ambient temperature? Pasty pasty pasty microwave oven pasty pasty leave the door pasty pasty pasty?
CONSERVATIVE: pasty pasty pasty. I like pasties too. Yum yum. Last pasty I had. Pasty pasty. Cynical Leader of the Oppastie photo pastie. Pasty pasty pasty pas…
LABOUR: Sausage roll?
CONSERVATIVE: ty. Pasty pasty. Pie Sausage roll, yes. Sausage roll. Pasty pasty pasty pasty pie pasty pie pasty pie.
PAXMAN: Come on!
CONSERVATIVE: pie pasty pie pie sausage roll.
PAXMAN [sneers] Y-e-e-e-e-e-s
CONSERVATIVE: Pie pasty pie pie.
LABOUR: Caravan pie. Pasty pasty pasty pie pie sausage roll pie pasty pie pie. VAT VAT
CONSERVATIVE: rationalisation of pasties pies sausage rolls. Pie pasty
LABOUR: VAT pie pasty sausage roll, chicken tikka slice. Pasty pasty pasty pie sausage roll Greggs!
[sits back triumphantly]
CONSERVATIVE: [leans forward] pie pasty pasty pie pie sausage roll VAT.
PAXMAN: scone scones?
CONSERVATIVE: No, scones?
PAXMAN: class issue scone? Pasty pie. scone or scone? Pie Pasty or pasty? Sausage roll. Scone?
LABOUR: scone scone scone
CONSERVATIVE: scone scone scone
LABOUR: one scone scone
[LABOUR and CONSERVATIVE talk over each other]
PAXMAN: pair of pasties. Thank you very much.