Today’s news may have both shocked and stunned the watching public – although not so much as yesterday’s news stunned and shocked people – but it was not news to a top Scottish sports journalist with a mastery of the English language like what I do.
I – a top Scottish sports journalist and don’t you forget it – knew that something was afoot a few months ago when I learned that whatever happened today was about to happen. [note to ed: add here what happened today. OK, boss here goes:] I was told some months ago that Rangers would announce an intention to enter administration in mid February in order to persuade HMRC to go to the Court of Session to appoint an administrator the day after allowing Rangers to have an administrator appointed along with their original planned timescale. While I knew all this I did not feel it was necessary to report any of it for you. You wouldn’t understand. It’s all too complicated for you. It involves difficult things that you encounter in the rest of the newspaper – sometimes in the middle pages beside the big lists of numbers. Whereas I, a top Scottish sports journalist, am not only an expert on all things in relation to all sports – but especially football – but also [note to ed: add a list of things that I have acquired expertise in in order to justify my commenting as an expert in a piece for the back pages. OK Boss done:] in the law of administration, the law of wrongful trading, the law of liquidation, the law of floating charges, the law of diligence, and tax law while maintaining a passing expertise in tactics adopted by lawyers in negotiations.
Because I, a leading Scottish sports journalist, am so great and know that you wouldn’t understand any of the complicated stuff I am an expert in, I did not feel it was necessary to share the story with you until such time as the story happened – when my telling you I knew all along seems only right, because it is true, but you’ll have to just take my word for it, as you will my expertise in all of these areas I am demonstrably an expert in.
Tomorrow I will exclusively reveal that whatever happens then was known to me late last year but could not be revealed by me until after it happens tomorrow for some good reason you wouldn’t understand.