Having valiantly targeted the forces of truth over recent years by posting a series of failed spoof blog posts with satirical intention there comes a time when one must post a failed spoof satirical blogpost about myself. As someone that is prepared to dish it out I have to be prepared to take it, I suppose . As long as it is a collection of weak puns or jokes based on wilfully misunderstanding something or other.
I did two stupid and wrong things. First, I have attempted to smuggle serious blog posts into what is generally a diet of frivolous tosh, collected youtube videos, bad jokes, and lengthy diatribes about the failure of people on television to pronounce the word scone. In writing these serious posts I have often found on rereading my early drafts that they contain some bits that are a little hard to follow. In fact they can be a little unclear and confusing (probably as a result of having been typed late at night when I’m tired or concentrating on a DVD that’s on in the background). When this has happened I’ve sometimes corrected typos or in some cases added whole sentences to make what I’ve written sound as fluent as what it did in my head when I was first writing it [ed: you can tidy this up tomorrow morning in the daylight], and have occasionally added a note saying that the post has been edited. I justified this to myself by saying that this is what all the top bloggers would do if they reread their blogs and realised that much of its content was incoherent gibberish. But I was wrong. Top bloggers never realise they’ve written nonsense, and would never alter it, and would certainly not apologise for it if they did (which they wouldn’t). There are conventions to indicate your incoherence. You can use red type and italic font. You can ask rhetorical questions. You can make reference to newspaper articles or books where someone has made the point you are vainly trying to grapple with in a comprehensible manner. If I had asked people who know a lot more about blogging than me (who have very generously blocked me on twitter) they would have explained this to me. It was stupid and arrogant of me to use facts in argument with them on twitter, get blocked by them, and therefore not be in a position to ask.
The other thing that I did wrong was that a few years ago when I was formulating ideas for television pitches based on punning titles, or attempting to parody the seemingly satire proof programmes on television. In doing this I occasionally made reference to celebrities that I didn’t really like, implying that they would be associated with really bad television. This was juvenile, although it still makes me laugh – but I guess I should say that I’m mortified to have done this and unreservedly apologise to most of these people.
When it became apparent that there was serious stuff on this blog, and cheap jibes at celebrities and bad television some people have taken the opportunity to comment. I was accused of indulging in “the typical Labour smear from the Damian McBride school of dark arts.” called a “monomaniac fruitcake”, told “#dontquityourdayjob at least half you name is correct” and “best … described as peripheral” by someone commenting here at 19.43. Amid the legitimate criticism some of these are untrue.
Many adverse comments made to me and those at Loveandgarbage towers related to my observations about the pronunciation of the word scone. Wikipedia has even been edited to suggest that my earlier comments on that topic (that Gordon Brown and Tony Blair fell out over the pronunciation of the word “scone”) were unverified (and by implication untrue) (note the edit at 3.34 am on 6 september 2011). There is surely a truth of sorts in this as it is surely the sort of thing that lay at the heart of the Brown-Blair enmity – given the difference in backgrounds in the scottish educational system. But never mind. Following a detailed investigation here at Love and Garbage Towers it has been shown that this sort of thing is, if not true, possessed of an inner truth that says more about the participants in the story than the real truth does.
The worst part of this for me has been thinking about two groups of people. The first is my fan, my long term enthusiastic reader – whose searches based on looking for details as to the identity of fred Goodwin’s lover and the best way to pronounce scone have maintained a healthy blog readership of up to one person a day for a period of nearly some time. I hate to think of my fan being let down. Someone has to pretend to hint at the identity of Fred Goodwin’s lover (without breaching any injunctions or providing any information that would allow her to be identified). Someone has to stand up for the accurate pronunciation of scone. I have been inundated with literally an e-mail asking me to continue my fight. These are causes that urgently need someone to stand up for them. They really need their defenders. The second group of people are those in the wider blogging community, who appear to give a toss about appearing on lists. I have watched some of these people for the past few years produce material in blogs, working phenomenally hard to get their material in a near defamatory state in order that it provokes a readership who add unmoderated comments filled with bile and hate.
But offering words of apology is not enough. “If you can’t do the time don’t do the crime” as my uncle said while watching some people on the telly. So first, following threats to strip me of my title as best pseudonymous blogger named after an Ivan Klima novel (beating Judge on Trial; and A Summer Affair into a cocked hat thanks to my incisive post on the pronunciation of the word scone) I have decided to hand back my title of best pseudonymous blogger named after an Ivan Klima novel. By doing this I appear to retain some element of control and the moral high ground despite the fact that I would have lost the prize anyway. Second, following a protracted leave of absence from this blog where I learned all there is to know about blogging in an expedited course from that University that give that pretendy doctor her doctorate I will probably post more frequently in the hope that an increased volume of material will disguise not just the serious stuff, but the bad puns and failed satire. And third, I will… Mmm, yeah. Something or other. Blah blah blah. You’ll feel a lot better about me after I’ve done it, [note to ed: any chance you can fill this up for me?]
Anyway, sorry again. Give us another chance. And if you bear with me I’ll try to do some funny political stuff about America and the Presidential elections next year. Okay?
[note to ed: will that do?]
This apology follows an earlier apology which failed to draw a line under the whole business.