A government spokesman today confirmed plans to press ahead with the Something Must be Done Bill. She said,
“During the year we saw things happen which were very serious – and while each of these serious things was dealt with by the police under existing laws, we have decided that if we appear to do nothing about these things that will be worse for us than doing something (or appearing to do something while actually doing nothing) because people will expect us to do something after we appeared on the television saying that something had to be done. Therefore after careful consideration we have identified a thing to do. And because this thing to do is something we have therefore concluded that this something must be done, even though it is – in effect – little more than what can be done at the moment. However. in order to disguise the fact that we are not really doing anything, and to confirm that we are definitely not doing nothing, we have decided to rush to do something to give the impression that there is an emergency about these serious things that must be dealt with immediately. We therefore have introduced the Something Must be Done Bill which is to be considered by the Parliament and passed before anyone has a real chance to realise that the something that is being done about the serious things, is less of a something and more of a nothing than people realise. However, while we are at it we will put in a provision which does do something but is actually unrelated to the serious things that prompted us to believe that people would think that something must be done. This something is actually a bit like another thing that can be done but in order to ensure that we don’t properly have to justify what it is we will borrow a something that was done about a thing in another country and explain that we are doing something to bring us into line with that other country. We will do this something despite the fact that we are criticising judges for equiporating our laws with those of that other country (despite the fact that the judges are not actually doing that at all). However, unlike those evil judges who are (we know, but won’t admit) not actually bringing our law into line with the law of another country but are applying normative standards from a suprenational hierarchy to test the efficacy of our law, we know that if we attempt to do something to bring our treatment of things into line with how another country deals with things (even though that other country took years to pass legislation to deal with that thing and we will take, oh, let’s say a good ten minutes) then self-evidently that is a good thing to do, because we only do things that are good for our country, unlike all the others who really hate our country – especially the judges that commute to another country.”
The Something Must be Done Bill is expected to be passed by Parliament in the next few minutes after detailed and substantial scrutiny by a committee that will have the text passed to it tomorrow.