[INT: Newsnight studio. Wan-faced presenter in dark suit sits at desk that is 3 sizes too big for him. Projected behind him images of cars in snow. And lorries in snow. And snow. On closer inspection it appears that the desk is also covered in snow.]
RAYMOND: [for it is he] Welcome to Newsnight Scotland. Tonight the weather dominates our thoughts as literally people are stranded on the roads and trains across Scotland’s central Scotland. Later on we will be talking to the weather.
[cut to image of Weather sitting in Edinburgh studio in front of big picture of Scott Monument. There is no snow in the background]
First, here is a report from that big bloke that does the serious news reports. You know the big bloke with the glasses. Him.
[v/t insert with Out of vision voice over from BIG BLOKE WITH GLASSES. The v/t shows images of snow and cars and lorries and snow. It will repeat the same clip of a road sign with a car underneath it some three or four times despite the fact that that road is not affected by the snow related carmaggedon. This clip was taken quite near the BBC Scotland offices though and waste not want not, eh.]
BIG BLOKE WITH GLASSES: As the sort of weather people up north get for months of the year every year finally hits the really important bit of Scotland, namely the drive from my house to the BBC Scotland studios, people are asking whether the government was unprepared for the snow carnage. While in previous weeks we have laughed at the demented coverage of the media outlets south of the border who focus on the impact of a centimetre of two of snow the moment their journalists are affected today has revealed that Scottish journalists living in Glasgow and Edinburgh are similarly unprepared for the impact that more snow than that will have on their trip to work. As cars were directed down one strip of road early this morning [At this the fourth repeat of the clip of the cars on the road is being broadcast] the rest of the nation could little guess at the impact there would be on journalists working for BBC Scotland. Indeed, so bad was it that the holiday relief had to come in early to do interviews.
Oh, and by the way thousands of people have been stuck on motorways for the past twelve hours across central Scotland. Police have advised them to stay there as movement on the roads may be dangerous.
[end v/t. Cut to RAYMOND in the studio]
RAYMOND: We sent a person to film lots of wee TV screens showing roads around Scotland. Here she is.
[cut to WOMAN standing in front of lots of small television screens. Amid the views of roads clogged up with cars and lorries and snow and ice there is one showing ITV London in order to get round STV’s odd broadcasting policies regarding new drama series]
WOMAN: I have been here for the past eight hours and am unable to get home. During that time I have looked at all of these screens. [points at screen] You, here. At number 58. Don’t do that. We can all see you. It’s rude and it’s unhygienic. [points at other screens] As you can see there is nothing moving on these roads. Since I was forced in here this afternoon I have watched this lorry [points at lorry on screen] sitting at this junction. It has not moved. Nothing is moving. How am I going to get home? Raymond, how am I going to get home? I’m being kept here against my
[cut back to studio. RAYMOND turns to camera]
RAYMOND: In our Edinburgh studio that doesn’t have a picture of the Scott Monument clearly indicating the relative unimportance of this man we have a man who will talk to us about his business.
[cut to MAN in suit. he is captioned “Man representing people who are trying to drive about and deliver stuff”]
RAYMOND: Hello, man. How have you been coping today.
MAN: It was hellish. I left my house this morning half an hour before I woke up and was on the road for a good ten hours. The journey usually takes half an hour or so, and when I arrived I was asked to come here for Reporting Scotland. However, as I’ve just arrived after a four hour trip you obviously feel obliged to have me on now.
RAYMOND: mmm [he is doing something else pending the arrival of the more important guest]
MAN: Anyway, I represent people who drive things and deliver stuff. It’s been hell out there. All our drivers are stuck and the fuel supplies, food, milk, Christmas presents and everything else will have run out by this time tomorrow.
MAN: If I was you I would kill your neighbour and leave him lying outside. he won’t go off in this cold weather and the supply should last a few days.
RAYMOND: Thank you very much man. Now I have with me the weather who I will ask if it is going to apologise and resign.
[cut to WEATHER]
RAYMOND: Good evening Weather. Are you going to apologise to the many BBC Scotland journalists who are stuck and unable to relieve me from broadcasting this evening?
WEATHER: [glowers drops flakes]
RAYMOND: No apology then Weather?
WEATHER: [offering first class snow for the people of Scotland snows]
RAYMOND: Are you going to apologise?
WEATHER: [removes cloud, introduces first class frost for the people of Scotland]
RAYMOND: There are literally BBC Scotland reporters tuck across the country unable to report properly for Reporting Scotland and Newsnight Scotland and our very brief 2 minute bulletin between the popular programmes in the middle of prime time. Will you take this opportunity to apologise to them?
WEATHER: [looks thundery]
RAYMOND: So no apology from you Weather for the chaos you have caused today?
WEATHER: [under a cloud]
RAYMOND: And will you resign given your lack of preparedness for this morning?
WEATHER: [heavy cloud. looks prepared]
RAYMOND: So you’re not going to take the opportunity to apologise to the BBC Scotland reporters and the thousands of people we probably should mention at this point?
WEATHER: [frosty response]
RAYMOND: And you won’t resign?
WEATHER: [icy reaction]
RAYMOND: So the Weather, thank you very much.
[RAYMOND picks up newspapers]
RAYMOND: And now tomorrow’s headlines. In The Herald. “It’s snow chaos as Herald journalists can’t get to our offices.” in The Scotsman “Trams now extra week behind schedule”. And The Daily Telegraph ” Kate and William plan lovely day”. THe Independent “Man due to change policy tomorrow about thing that was not his policy”. And The Guardian “More from Wookieleaks as Han shot first”.
[Camera pans back to RAYMOND]
RAYMOND: Good night