Who knew it would end like this? (see what I’ve done there – phonetically speaking)

I can confirm that following the assertion of Polly Toynbee that anyone is better than Prudence the Presbyterian I – someone – together with my colleagues Mr Whohe and Ms Whoshe (no-ones) have today sent this letter to my comrades in the New Iceland parliamentary deep purple party.

"As we move towards a General Election it remains the case that the New Iceland parliamentary deep purple party is deeply divided over the question of the leadership. Many colleagues have expressed their frustration at the way in which this question is affecting our performance. I for one have scarcely been able to bump into a hedge for the past few days, so hampered has my performance been – and as you know hedge bumping is something I have a certain reputation for. I have therefore come to the conclusion that the only way to resolve this issue would be to allow every member to express their view in a secret ballot with tthe options: "I think Prudence the Presbyterian will lose the election but frankly I don’t care because we’ve so screwed up the economy I wouldn’t want to be the one to clean it up" or "I think Prudence the Presbyterian will lose the election and destroy the deep purple party but frankly I don’t care because I much preferred the days when we were a giant pressure group represented at the Remembrance services but with no immediate prospect of any power". Given the disastrous state of the economy who in their right mind would want to win the election and have to sort it out?

"A secret ballot could be done quickly and with minimum disruption to our job in getting as much as possible out of the system before resigning before they introduce the new rules that will cut back on the resettlement payments if we manage to survive until the next election but one – while causing maximum disruption to any possibility that the recent slight increase in our support in the polls would see us having to sort out the economy. Whatever the outcome the whole of the New Iceland deep purple party could then go forward, knowing that this matter had been sorted out once and for all.

"Strong supporters of Prudence, and those that just dont care any more should have no difficulty in backing this approach. There is a risk otherwise that the persistent background briefing and grumbling that I, and my colleagues Mr Whohe, Ms Whoshe, and the backers in the attached photograph, would continue up to and possibly through the election campaign, affecting our ability to concentrate all of our energies on getting our real message across – that we differ from Just Call Me Dave and his lot, honest (our campaign slogan) and for god’s sake don’t let us back in as we don’t know what to do.

"Equally those who want change in the vain hope that they might hang on at the next election, should they lose such a vote, would be expected by the majority of the New Iceland Deep Purple Party to devote all of their efforts to ensuring that we lose the election. The implications of such a vote would be clear and everyone would be bound to support the result – apart from those who wouldn’t because the result wouldn’t reflect what they wanted.

"This is a clear opportunity to finally lay the Deep Purple Party to rest. The continued speculation and uncertainty is allowing our opponents to portray us as dispirited and disunited, while we should ably be doing that ourselves therefore ensuring the New Iceland Deep Purple Party doesn’t win the next election. Unless we set ourselves at each other’s throats this will damage our chances to ensure that we don’t win and are giving our political opponents an easy opportunity to avoid having to win either.

"In what will inevitably be a difficult and demanding election campaign, we must have a determined and united New Iceland Deep Purple Party party ensuring that we don’t win. It is our job to lose the fight against our political opponents. We can only do that if we resolve these distractions. We hope that you will support this proposal.

"Yours fraternally, "


I am pleased to confirm that those supporting my campaign have posed for a group photo which I have today released to the media:

About loveandgarbage

I watch the telly and read when not doing law stuff and plugging my decade and a half old unwatched Edinburgh fringe show.
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