Regular readers may recall my recent experiences bumping into hedges. As the past week and a half has progressed I have noted with some disappointment the litany of allegations from various hedge owners around the world claiming that at one time of other (or in some cases up to 20 times) I have bumped into their hedges, sometimes the allegation suggests that I have gone out of my way to bump into the hedge – in some cases taking a detour of many hundreds of miles from my usual evening stroll.. I have tried to maintain a dignfied silence in relation to these tawdry allegations – even as gossip websites joked that I was establishing some sort of hedge fund to pay off the
three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven hedge owners. Even when it was alleged that one of the hedge owners was a "sexy British Tv presenter" (Ant or Dec? Or could it possibly be Dale Winton? Or someone else? you decide) I have said nothing – but as it is apparent that there are no photographs of me bumping into hedges, and certainly no photographs that would infer that any bumping (which did not take place) took place while I was unclothed (which I wasn’t because obviously it didn’t happen) – I have today not taken legal action (which if I had I would have made sure I didn’t have to tell you about it) to suppress these photographs (which don’t exist) within the United Kingdom (although if I did get a court order I would only have taken it out in England because my lawyers don’t realise that there isn’t a separate legal system in Scotland where they need to get an interdict to stop publication of these non-existent photographs in Scotland, but then again an interdict isn’t needed because after all the pictures do not exist). In not taking this action I have therefore ensured that these tales relating to my occasional bumping of hedges and other forays into bushes will no longer get publicity anywhere- allowing myself and my family to protect our privacy at this difficult time while I ponder which talk show I should not make any confession on, now that Richard and Judy have finished.
I trust that my privacy continues to be respected.