And so in a shock to no-one last night Tommy Sheridan was evicted from the Big Brother house. He bid farewell to his brothers, sister, and bro’ and exited to a chorus of boos.
During his final days Tommy demonstrated a facility with a baseball bat, and offered a touching commentary on the quality of Obama’s inauguration speech. Sadly his "best bits" in the Big brother interview did not include being in lycra and then electrocuted, but we can’t have everything.
He frankly admitted that he’d done it for the money, because law degrees are not cheap (although the failure to appreciate that attending the house may have scuppered his legal career through non-attendance at the compulsory examinations in his degree last week and this is not impressive – but, hey, perhaps he’ll need the money for something else come March).
Having exited the house Tommy pre-emptively outed Coolio, praised the former boyband singer’s beautiful eyes, and offered a degree of praise to a little man with a lot of courage (make up your own jokes at the back).
His life can return to normal – as he prepares to study the law of contract, and gets ready to put together his special circumstances forms.
"Reason for absence from examination diet:
Self-promotion on television, while being electrocuted while dressed in lycra, dressed as a pepper pot when ice skating, hitting baseballs, lounging around in an open dressing gown proving hairiness, and generally losing three degrees of orangeness from basic coloration."
PS – one commenter e-mailed me to enquire if Tommy’s hairiness in the house satisfactorily dealt with one potential aspect of any perjury case. The matter is sub judice, although I should note that Tommy did not give any evidence directly as to his hairiness when in court. Such evidence as there was came from his spouse and did not contradict any evidence given within the case. hence, my impression televisual evidence of hairiness will be neutral in any future action.