And lo it came to pass that the govan bigfoot rose again, and did stroll with no little trepidation into the Big Brother house.
And Davina looked upon his filmed insert, and saw that it was not good. For in the midst of the images of the blessed Tommy declaiming to his people, and the shouting, and the tearing up of warrants, and the clenching and raising of his fist Davina’s legal advisers realised that various aspects may not be fit for broadcast for legal reasons (but lo, the advisers did remember that they must not talk about that other case that will begin in the next few months because there might be prejudicial publicity one way or the other), and thus the Tomster was feted with a great honour. For Davina read out some legal information about the status of the appeal in his defamation action with the News of the World. And so Tommy of Sheridan is the only Big Brother contestant in the year of our lord 2008 to have Davina talk through his introduction.
And when the Tomster stepped down from his packhorse to enter the desert for the next 4 weeks he was disturbed. For the crowds they did boo. And they did hiss. And so did some at home watching on their telly. And lo, did those at home wonder either: who on earth is this man and how is he a celebrity (as is a great tradition at this time of year); or why on earth has he done this, does he not remember they made George Galloway dress up in lycra and mime the calling of a dog that would not return to its owner and surely the sole purpose of this show is to makest the Tomster look like a fool.
But the booing of the Tomster was particularly sad, for it elicited the sympathy of Frith of Heat, who pronounced unto the baying mob and their big mouths scarce one hour on , that he felt sorry for him for no-one knows who he is, but he is a politician – and that is bad. And the mob booed again. And hissed. And brandished cards marked "LOSER".
And when the Tomster entered the house he was with his people, and called them together. And he spake unto the sister of the brothers that are more famous; and the Sugababe; and the small but perfectly proportioned man made in Mike Myers’ image and he said
"Hullo. I am Tommy"
And they looked at each other and didst wonder who this great orator was.
And Tommy looked on the small but perfectly proportioned man made in the image of Mike Myers and didst think – you too have been stitched up by a video which was no doubt faked by intelligence services, and you too have had your scandals. Son, I understand.
And the Tomster greeted each new worshipper at his house in a manner befitting the alpha male. He spake unto the model voted most popular by the one handed readers of the Star and said,
"Hullo, I’m Tommy."
And he spake unto the man that was once most fanciable male as voted by the readers of Smash Hits – when edited by Saint Kate of Thornton, and he said,
"Hullo, I’m Tommy."
And he resisted the temptation of champagne that was thrust in this presence by the agents of satan. For he knew this was televised, and he is famously tee-total, and this forms a pivotal elements of the defamation case that he won (which for legal reasons Davina must note is currently subject to appeal).
And the Tomster lorded over the house – and spake unto the lady of scouse who has endured illnesses and the girl that married that bloke that was the brother of that girl that used to be famous for doing something – and he said,
"Hullo, I’m Tommy."
And as the Tomster was settling in a gangster came from paradise, and the Tomster knew his place. For this was the alpha male and the Tomster genuflected in his general direction.
And then Terry of Christian and Ulrika ka ka ka came in and as the evening wore on the Tomster did speak unto all.
He spoke to Terry of Christian about Manchester United and his shared celtic roots, and confirmed that he was a Celtic man. BUt verily was he confused about how often Manchester United has won the title in recent years, prompting Terry of Christian to look upon him with disdain.
And later did Tommy of Sheridan speak unto the small but perfectly proportioned one and say unto him that he was not meaning to be patronising when offering assistance – and Ulrika ka ka ka did agree for she had once had a bad back and thought she could do things by herself and did resent the assistance she was given by others.
And Tommy did nod.
And the viewers did visit the land of that place.
PS live-blogging cancelled due to family illness. The above should give you the gist. More soon.