Talks are taking place with former Scrapheap challenge winners to come up with a new human powered car to solve the national fuel crisis. James Purnell has announced today that those on job seekers allowance and incapacity benefit will be given a six month period to get work or prove beyond doubt to a medical expert (that GP of This Morning or HIlary Jones) that they are medically incapable to work. If on expiry of the six month period they have not met government targets the unemployed and sick will be melted down for use as a new clean form of energy in the Scrapheap designed vehicle. A pilot project will be carried out using the remains of Robert Llewellyn, unemployed as his contract has not been renewed for the next series of Scrapheap CHallenge. Colonel Dick – erstwhile star of the Scrapheap and rumoured to be the new presenter – has revived his old team in order to meet the task, which must be completed before Lisa Rogers sets off a complex implement to swing a hammer against a large sheet of metal at sunset.
“Rising fuel costs have particularly affected the poor and the sick,” said Purnell speaking in his command tower in London’s central London, while a 3-D hologrpahic representation of him toured the television studios. “And I am also conscious of the potential pension timebomb that will hit the UK. A systematic scheme to use the poor and the sick to fuel the vehicles of those hard working families currently struggling to meet fuel bills will address both problems. There will be fewer poor and sick, making fuel available for those hard working families that really need it; and our pensions crisis will be alleviated through a reduction in the anticipated number of elderly.”
While munching on a drumstick before throwing the bone out of the window to waiting unemployed, Purnell explained that rising food costs would also be addressed by his new scheme.
“A steady supply of fresh meat – “Lamb Amirstan”, the speciality of the house – will be available to the public through a state controlled supply, free from the vagaries of the Common Agricultural Policy. This high quality, low cost meat will help the pound in the pocket of hard working families stretch further – enabling them to have money free to spend on consumer items such as clothers, and electronic goods.
“This scheme will be tremendously popular throughout the nation,” said Purnell. “It allows all members of society to contribute to the betterment of society and fully implements our general policy of social inclusion. I know some will have doubts initially, but we must remember the words of John F Kennedy, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” With this scheme you can help your country and your country can help hard working families.”
A Conservative party spokesman explained that the idea was merely lifted from a policy speech delivered to an audience of chartered surveyors and reality show contestants in April by head of policy Oliver Letwin – and indicated that the government had no new ideas.
A Liberal Democrat spokesman said that the detail of the plans required full consideration, but some would view it as a step in the right direction.