It was bright day in June and the clocks struck thirteen – marking the start of the Big Brother season.
I didn’t watch it but I guess that there are at least two students, at least one person with breast implants, at least one person with a difficult personal story, some blonde who is convinced s/he is god’s gift to wo/men, someone very stupid whose stupidity will be revealed in a conversation over the coming week in relation to either politics or a basic scientific fact, at least one or two pairings of people put in to exacerbate conflict (eg Irish nationalist/Irish loyalist or born again Christian/devil worshipper or racist/black housemate or Islamic fundamentalist/Home Office minister), and someone with a sob story that means they gain public sympathy early on and have to be a Nazi wifebeater who murders puppies during filming before losing public support.
The production team will do their best to maximise conflict by cutting food supplies to the house/providing copious amounts of alcohol/providing ridiculous tasks designed to humiliate the viewer as much as the contestant.
The show will be hosted by an increasingly despairing and desperate Davina McCall – who will blink a coded message during the show asking for her mother from the shampoo adverts to come to rescue her.
During the half year or so that it runs the tabloids will compete to be the Big Brother paper – with the largest amount of coverage from The Star (which will run exclusive photos (taken from E4 or webcam coverage) of women in bikinis/in the shower/without bikinis) or whichever newspaper decides it is not the Big Brother paper – but will insist on demonstrating this by writing every day about how it isn’t writing about Big Brother.
After the Orwellian influence underlying Big Brother, Room 101, and Britain’s Got Talent I have in the past suggested other shows that could potentially be influenced by Orwell’s work including “The theory and practice of oligarchical collectivism” which would – although I say it myself – be infinitely more entertaining. Any other Orwellian based TV reality or game show would be gratefully received.