This week the new series of [insert name of celebrity based reality show] started on [insert channel]. It was rubbish. I mean, who are these people? I’ve not heard of half of them. [AB] is famous only for going out with a [insert sport or entertainment industry] and seems to have made a career based on not wearing [insert item of clothing] for [insert name of lad mag(s)]. [CD]’s career should have been finished after [insert embarrassing incident involving CD], but no, the telly executives decide it’s a good idea to revive [him/her] in the hope that [he/she] might be [adjective relating to embarrassing incident] but in an ironic way. And I thought [EF] was dead long ago. [GH} only seems to be on the show to promote [his/her] new [insert product] and the others are Z list individuals obviously desperate for publicity.
The only way to enliven the show would be to introduce [IJ, an iconic American star of the 1970s or 1980s or controversial British politician] who could say [insert catchphrase from 1970s or 1980s American show or political slogan with amusing connotation relevant to programme]. But until then I for one won’t be watching.