Protect and survive – a Prime Minister’s guide

On behalf of Field Marshall Dr Styre we present a public information broadcast: Protect and Survive: A Prime Minister’s guide

A warning may come quite unexpectedly. We will now tell you what to do if a warning sounds when you are at home, and then we will explain what to do when you are out of doors.

First, if you are at home: if an interview is imminent you will hear the alarm sound like this.

[“Good morning Prime Minister, I’d like to ask you a few questions about the loans the Labour party received during your tenure and whether this relates to the granting of honours”.]

So take cover at once. Send your young children to the fall-out room for a quick photo opportunity and then go quickly and turn on other news stories such as the closing down of post offices, and the report into the death of Diana, Princess of Wales. Close down news channels, damp down fires, shut windows and draw curtains. Then go to your fall-out room and stay there. If the fall-out warning sounds are heard they will be like these:

[“Well Nick.  Was the Prime Minister interviewed under caution?”]

You should now move yourself and your family to the safest area in your fall-out room, that is, you should get inside your inner refuge and stay there. After 2 days and maximisation of publicity for other news stories the danger from fall-out will get less, but don’t take any risks by contact with it. The longer you stay in your refuge the better it will be for you.

Listen to your radio, stay where you are and keep listening to your radio.  John Pienaar is being despatched to calm the natives.

Now this is what you should do if you are out of doors when the warning sounds.

Take cover at once when you hear the attack sound.

[“Good morning Prime Minister.  Fancy seeing you here.  I’d like to ask you a few questions about the loans the Labour party received during your tenure and whether this relates to the granting of honours.]

If you cannot reach home in 10 minutes, take cover in the nearest building. If there is no building nearby try to find some solid cover. If there is no solid cover, lie flat in a ditch or a hole and cover your head, face and hands as fast as you can with some of your clothes. If you hear the fall-out warning 

[“Well Nick.  Was the Prime Minister interviewed under caution?”]

seek the nearest and best cover as quickly as you can, but before entering the building or cover, brush or shake-off any fall-out dust you may have picked up and get rid of it. Perhaps plant a news story about Ronnie Cohen having been given an honour at the request of Gordon Brown.  Change your outer clothing if you can and stay under cover. When the all-clear sounds like this 

[“As Attorney general I have taken independent advice and decided there is insufficient evidence to proceed with criminal proceedings.”]

it means that you are safe from attack or fall-out for the time being and you can go out again. But keep listening for further warnings or your radio for further advice.


About loveandgarbage

I watch the telly and read when not doing law stuff and plugging my decade and a half old unwatched Edinburgh fringe show.
This entry was posted in loans for honours, public information films, sleaze, tony blair, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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