The 3 minute review Number 1 – cirque de celebrite

The rather informative Rob Buckley blog in reviewing new telly programmes waits until the third (or later) episode before running a balanced and considered review.  Such devotion to standards is inappropriate for the type of tat I’ll consider so in an irregular series I will watch three minutes or so of a telly programme and draw conclusions as to its merit based on that.  To begin Cirque de celebrite (Sky three Sunday afternoons – but no doubt on Sky One in prime time).

 Dante’s Inferno discusses the nine rings of hell.  Descending each time from Limbo (the unbaptised and virtuous pagans); through the Second Ring (the lustful);; through the Third (the gluttons); through the Fourth (the avaricious and the miserly); through the fifth (the wrathful and the slothful); through the sixth (the heretics); through the Seventh (the violent); through the Eighth (the fraudulent, the flatterers, the deceivers, the sorcerers, the thieves, and the alchemists); into the Ninth (the traitors) we encounter Satan brandishing Brutus and Cassius and Judas Iscariot.  However, Dante neglected to consider what happened when Satan lifted his foot.  A small wooden door revealed the entrance to the tenth ring – those that have appeared in reality television – a strange land guarded by Simon Cowell, Claire Sweeney, and Harvey from Fat Fit Club.

Appearing in the tenth ring now is the cast of Cirqe de Celebrite, a veritable “who’s that?” of entertainment where that bloke that lied on The Apprentice sits in judgment on that woman who looked a bit like a horse and who was nasty to people in Big Brother, and that diminutive bloke that does the carpentry in the miraculous transfomation programme (I mean Handy Andy, not the other miraculous carpenter).  My three minutes of viewing saw the Big Brother woman (clad in a minuscule bikini) unicycle while brandishing the ribbon (from rhythmic gymnastics) then jumping off and ending up doing the splits to praise from that bloke of the Apprentice; and some other judge (Bobby Roberts?  Bobby Roberts Junior? Bobby Roberts Junior Junior? Papa Lazarou?) saying to her,  “You have it all and really have the potential to make it as a circus performer” (yeah, the peripatetic circus lifestyle was what she went on Big Brother to break into – selling candyfloss in wastegrounds on the outskirts of towns and fiddling some knock down the cans game while rounding up people to see the magic of the big top).  This was followed by Handy Andy being shouted at by an Irishwoman while he dangled from a rope in mid-air and he was then threatened by a corseted Ruby Wax brandishing a whip.

At this my finger flcked over to some programme about Nazis on UKTV History (which narrows it down rather).

Summary: rubbish.  Althogh certain elements may amuse a specialised audience.  No stars.

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About loveandgarbage

I watch the telly and read when not doing law stuff and plugging my decade and a half old unwatched Edinburgh fringe show.
This entry was posted in cirque de celebrite, review, television, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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