The Theory and Practice of Oligarchical Collectivism
As a final gift to his successor the head of ITV1 – the man in charge during the delights of Love Island, Bollywood in your driveway, Celebrity Wrestling, Celebrity Daredevil, Nigella’s talk show, Jeremy Kyle, Ant and Dec’s gameshow marathon, Celebrity on a spit (a failed vehicle for big money signing Anthony Worrall Thomson), Fat Club (the proletarian version of Fit Club), Bad Lads Army, and The Mint – having noticed the success of Big Brother and Room 101 decided to scour Nineteen eighty four for a concept not yet produced as a television programme. The result, The Theory and Practice of Oligarchical Collectivism, was intended to be a vehicle for either Joe Pasquale or Des O’Connor. However, it was eventually decided that US marine Harvey from Fit Club should present. Two teams were to compete in two rounds, Ignorance is Strength and War is Peace. The teams captained by Lowri Turner and Andy Fordham included ordinary punters and other celebrities that had appeared in Fit Club. In round 1 teams competed to get questions wrong for the entertainment of the ignorant uneducated masses raised on a diet of penny dreadfuls and cheap titilation (available on ITV2 or Men and Motors). In round 2 the teams pontificated on international conflicts and attempted to produce solutions explicable in simple five words or fewer slogans. Points were awarded by the host.
In the final round Freedom is Slavery the winning team required one of their number to be enslaved for the use of the team captain. After five consecutive wins Lowri Turner had all her child care needs satisfied allowing her to return to her pointless pontificating on The Wright Stuff about how difficult it is to be a working mother and how she can sympathise with those single mothers who call in from council estates about the difficulty of juggling parenting with a career
(ignoring her retinue of employees and the reality that her former husband – who had given up work to look after the children – has physical custody of the children for the majority of the time – see this week’s Private Eye) and retired from the show to be replaced by tabloid hag ((c) R Bryden) hack Carole Malone who began her appearances by objecting to the belt Andy Forham was wearing as it may act as an artificial aid in lessening his appetite. The resultant loss of popularity led to the swift axing of the programme.