National Poetry Day 2013

It’s National Poetry Day. This year the theme is “water”. So, as is customary on this blog, let the day be marked with something by Norman MacCaig.

Ringed Plover by a water’s edge

They sprint eight feet and –
stop. Like that. They
sprintayard (like that) and
stop.
They have no acceleration
and no brakes
Top speed’s their only one.

They’re alive – put life
through a burning glass, they’re
its focus – but they share
the world of delicate clockwork.

In spasmodic
Indian file
they parallel the parallel ripples

When they stop
they, suddenly,
are gravel.

The Poems of Norman MacCaig (ed E McCaig) (2005) (p 292)

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Chris Huhne writes exclusively for Loveandgarbage

Like many people in the public eye (and Private Eye! LOL!) I have been convicted for perverting the course of justice while attempting to further my career, but let us look at the real evil here: people who find out and then report on it.

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RIP Seamus Heaney

Stern

in memory of Ted Hughes

“And what was it like,” I asked him

“Meeting Eliot?”

“When he looked at you,”

He said, “it was like standing on a quay

Watching the prow of the Queen Mary

Come towards you, very slowly.”

Now it seems

I’m standing on a pierhead watching him

All the while watching me as he rows out

And a wooden end-stopped stern

Labours and shimmers and dips,

Making no real headway.

From District and Circle (2006) p 46

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EXCLUSIVE: Loveandgarbage approached by british state to dismantle IT after inadvertently reading Guardian website

More follows

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How to tweet like @tannadicelad

[content removed following a complaint. Sorry.]

.

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How to write a blog about how to tweet like a [thing]

1. Write a thing.

2. Remove all jokes.

3. Put in one reference for a mate. He’s guaranteed to laugh.

4. Pretend not to be bothered about a thing that really bothers you.

5. Persuade some newspaper to let you put it up on their website.

6. Do one of those things that everyone nearly recognises as you almost rely on the comedy of familiarity and shared experience but change it in such a way that people are left thinking, “Eh? what’s that fish for?”

7. Do an extra check to make sure none of the jokes survived.

8. Use a mallet to make a point with subtlety, dexterity, and panache (by Lentheric).

9. Find some way

10. To make it reach ten points.

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LIVE BLOG: Paxman beard

22:38 So he’s got a beard. Well whoop de doo. He had it yesterday too. Now can the newspapers and the columnists detailed below bloody well grow up.

22:32 he’s still bearded. And he’s wittering on about Up. When he didn’t have a beard he used to reference classic novelists.

21:46 Paxman beard may be Schrodinger like at the moment. Both there and not there until observed. We await Newsnight with interest.(*)

21:40 I have been off growing a beard. Meanwhile the Telegraph has another beard story. Here’s John Walsh in the Independent. Another piece in the Evening Standard. And here’s the Mail. It is a typically understated piece.

19:07 Paxman has a beard and yet the media remains resolutely silent. Why this conspiracy must end: full feature coming soon.

19:05

19:04 beards la di dah beards

19:02 here is The Guardian on Paxman’s beard: once; twice; three times; and a poll.

18:54 I’d have been more interested if Jeremy Paxman had a new bear.

18:45 Here is the BBC on the beard; and the Telegraph; and the Mirror (twice) (no, sorry, three bloody times); the Evening Standard; the Belfast Telegraph; the Independent; GQ; &c. To which one can only say, “get a sodding life.”

18:42 here is one of the really funny tweets from one of those Paxman beard accounts:

18:37 here are the parody accounts: Paxman beard; Paxobeard; Paxman’s beard;
and Paxman’s Face Fuzz. They are all rubbish.

18:36 Jeremy Paxman’s beard does not have an amusing twitter parody account. There are though a number of twitter parody accounts about his beard.

18:31 Dan Hodges, blogger and columnist, has not told this live-blog, “Jeremy Paxman’s beard sends a clear message of rejection to clean-shaven Ed Miliband. There can be no more damning condemnation of the leadership of the Labour party than for the presenter of the leading University based quiz show to wear facial hair. Miliband must go.”

18:27 As far as sources close to loveandgarbage understand from their sources (ie watching the television and reading websites) Jeremy Paxman probably still has a beard at the moment.

18:26 It is believed that Jeremy Paxman’s beard uses real hair grown from his actual face. Who’d have thunk it?

18:25 Jeremy Paxman has a beard. There you go, eh? Who has ever heard of such a thing?

18:24 Before the Guardian start their one given their obsession with writing articles about Paxman’s beard on their website (three at last count and still rising) I thought I should begin a live-blog about Jeremy Paxman’s beard providing you with all the news about the beard.

(* we don’t)

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Panda pregnant? Suspicions of paternity grow.

The panda was seen around the time of conception with an unidentified man (left).

The panda was seen around the time of conception with an unidentified man (left).

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My detailed and carefully evaluated and pitched consideration of the value of the comments in newspaper articles and blogposts commenting on the comments on the blogpost and newspaper articles about the comments on the newspaper articles and blogposts on the comments on the newspaper articles and blogposts commenting on some people deciding not to use a social media website for a period of time

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

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EXCLUSIVE: Doctor Who: an announcement

Loveandgarbage can confirm that we have seen the announcement regarding Doctor Who and will breach all press embargos to release the news to you, the faithful reader.

“It can be announced that later today we will announce that there is to be an announcement about Doctor Who to be announced at midnight. In this announcement we will announce that there will be an announcement on at the weekend in an announcing show announcing that there is to be an announcement later in the show announcing things. This later announcement will announce that there is to be an announcement about the identity of the new Doctor Who, and at the end of the announcing show it will be announced that an announcement announcing the identity of the new Doctor Who was announced earlier in the programme (as previously announced).”

Doctor Who fans are old enough to know better.

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A second thought on Labour for indy

Let he who has never been a member of one party and then pretended to be a supporter of another party to join a group campaigning against that other party’s policy by supporting the principal policy of the first party cast the first stone.

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A thought on Labour for indy

I disagree.

It’s not Labour for Indy.

It’s Harrison Ford for Indy.

Labour is the romantic interest.

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blah blah blah blah blah blah blah baby blah blah blah blah blah update

nowt.

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blah blah blah blah blah baby blah blah blah blah update

nah

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blah blah blah baby blah blah yet?

nah.

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Further public service blog post indicating whether or not there is a new royal baby yet

Nope

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Public service blog post indicating whether or not there is a new royal baby yet

No.

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Is it hot outside? live-blog

15th July 2013

4.01 pm Yes

3.45 pm yes

3.32 pm Yes

3.20 pm Yes

3.01 pm Yes

2.46 pm Yes

2.35 pm Yes

2.28 pm Yes

2.24 pm Yes

2.15 pm Yes

1.48 pm Yes

1.37 pm Yes

1.14 pm Yes

12.52 pm Yes

12.26 pm Yes

12.03 pm Yes

11.48 am Yes

11.24 am Yes

11.06 am Yes

10.54 am Yes

10.28 am Yes

10.09 am Yes

9.43 am Yes

9.27 am Yes

9.14 am Yes

9 am This live-blog is designed to answer the question all of Britain is asking. Is it hot outside? As of now, yes. It is.

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Doctor Who missing episodes update

There are missing episodes of Doctor Who. There are missing episodes of other things too. Some of them are even more important than seeing the missing episodes of The Underwater Menace, or The Savages.

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A denial

A spokesman for loveandgarbage has today denied that loveandgarbage is the subject of the stories you have not heard about.

“We are aware that you have not heard about any of the stories about him in the context of another story but just wanted to confirm that those stories that you’ve not heard aren’t about him at all as he has been very busy with his work resolving the conflict between those who say “scone” and those who say “scone”.”

There will be no further statements on this issue.

 

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