Francis Maude speaks to the nation on the great petrol crisis

Responding to a threatened strike by fuel tanker drivers Cabinet office minister Francis Maude said,

“Aaarrgggh. Help.” Sobbing uncontrollably Maude stammered, “We’re all going to die. We’re all going to die. There’ll be no more suppers for the people of Britain.” A wild-eyed Maude stared directly at television cameras and yelled, “Save yourselves. Run while there is still time. Make for the hills. Then you can freewheel back down when the petrol tuns out. Fill up jerry cans. The jerries you see. They don’t like it up ‘em Captain Mainwaring. They don’t like it up ‘em.” Regaining a semblance of control Maude said, “Go out. Buy a jerry can if you don’t have one. Fill it. And take a bucket. And a basin. And cups. And a flask. And any empty washing up liquid bottles. And pasties. Take your hot pasties, scoop out the filling and fill them up. Lovely hot VATable pasties. Yum yum.  Take everything. Take them now. You must. Your future, and your children’s future depends on it. Run. Run like the wind. Make your way to the forecourts making sure your engine is switched on all the time to ensure there is space for the new petrol you’re buying. Aarrgh. We’re all going to die.”

A spokesman for the Prime Minister has confirmed that soldiers have been trained and will run the Cabinet office in the event of a shortage of Francis Maudes.

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