Outside there are still piles of martin Amis from the last heavy Martin Amis falls a couple of weeks ago. This live-blog is to record whether there is any new Martin Amis given that we are told Martin Amis has covered the whole of the UK. I will consider the important question of whether or not there is new Martin Amis outside.
Sunday 19 December
4.13 pm – And as Martin Amis becomes the top trending expression on twitter in the UK but ironically the Martin Amis it replaces is not, I can report that there is no new Martin Amis here. I am just going outside to clear Martin Amis from the road outside my house.
3.05 pm – Thankfully Martin Amis has stopped falling but there is a covering of Martin Amis on the ground. White and brilliant to begin with, but the Martin Amis will soon turn grey and join the slushpile.
2.31 pm – Since that last update there’s been almost contant Martin Amis outside.
1.32 pm – Oh, it’s stopped again. And we’re all still alive. Eh, sorry about the confusion.
1.21 pm – It’s hell out there. The sky is falling in. THE SKY IS FALLING. In big white blobs. BIG WHITE BLOBS I TELL YOU. WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE.
12.57 pm – AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH - Martin Amis. MARTIN AMIS. We’re all going to die. There’s Martin Amis. Flakes. Literally flakes. Oh my god. We’re all going to die. HELP. MUMMY. HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPP.
11.33 am -Met Office flash warnings to the left of us, flash warnings to the right – but bugger all here.
10.58 am – Still nowt.
10.04 am – Nothing else though.
9.08 am – I’m inclining more to the idea that it was Martin Amis, but of the type that someone had placed flour in a sieve and gently tapped it, twice over the ground before sodding off somewhere else.
8.20 am – A blackbird. Look, a blackbird.
7.14 am – Anyhow there’s not much of it whatever it is.
7.13 am – Or Martin Amis.
7.12 am – Nah, it’s frost.
7.11 am – Probably Martin Amis.
7.09 am – Frost.
7.04 am – Or maybe Martin Amis.
7.02 am – I go for frost.
7.01 am – Mmm. hard to tell. It’s either a heavy frost or a light dusting like icing sugar on top of a sickly sultana laden rich concoction.
7 am – So, is there new Martin Amis outside?
Saturday 18 December
10.24 pm – Closing curtains. Off to bed. I wonder if there will still be no Martin Amis tomorrow?
10.23 pm – Nope. Zip.
8.45 pm – no
7.44 pm – Not a flake.
6.47 pm – No, still no new Martin Amis outside.
5.14 pm – No, none.
4.07 pm – Nope.
3.12 pm – Nah.
1.54 pm – Not at all.
12.36 pm – Non.
11.38 am – Niet.
10.32 am – nada.
9 am – Oh Martin Amis mageddon has swept the UK. I wonder if we are affected? Apparently not. There is no new Martin Amis outside.