I am delighted to break this fake news this evening as I have been leaked an exclusive copy of a wholly fictitious statement about twitter. A pretend spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service this evening confirmed that the CPS intend to prosecute every person in the world who makes use of the micro-blogging website Twitter.
“It has been brought to our attention that a number of people throughout the United Kingdom and the rest of the world have decided to twitter a threat to an airport near Doncaster, named after a folk hero who we always thought came from the Midlands. Initially, we were sure this was a joke. First, Robin Hood and Doncaster? I mean, what’s that all about. And second, it was a threat to an airport in Doncaster – renowned international transport hub for the western hemisphere. I mean, an airport at Doncaster? Come off it. Anyhow, Ted in serious frauds phoned Pete in Sheffield and confirmed that they apparently do have an airport in Doncaster. Accordingly, this threat – repeated by thousands of people around the world – must obviously be really serious, especially given the high number of exclamation marks that appear in it – and the reference to Spartacus, an acknowledged hero of terrorist organisations around the world.
“Given that it appears that it is mainly people on the twitter that are making this threat implying that the airport is closed when it is quite clearly open for both of the regular flights in and out of Doncaster, we have – in consultation with the security services of friendly foreign powers – initiated a programme of extraordinary rendition to bring everyone on twitter to Doncaster. While we are processing the prosecutions of those we secretly fly in from around the world, these slave uprising obsessed terrorists will be held in a specially constructed wing at the Crucible theatre in Sheffield – although obviously we have to get the bulk of the work done by late spring, so the world snooker championship can take place with minimal interruption. I mean we wouldn’t want any snooker stars getting ensnared in conversations with dodgy foreign criminal types. Who knows where that might lead?
“We’re happy to take all queries about this policy, and can reassure people that we will be disregarding the statements of Lord Hoffman in the Belmarsh case, because clearly his rational comments don’t fit with a mood of hysteria which is appropriate in policy decisions in the prosecution service.
“So rest assured we won’t be paying any attention to this:
“This is a nation which has been tested in adversity, which has survived physical destruction and catastrophic loss of life. I do not underestimate the ability of fanatical groups of terrorists to kill and destroy, but they do not threaten the life of the nation. Whether we would survive Hitler hung in the balance, but there is no doubt that we shall survive Al-Qaeda. The Spanish people have not said that what happened in Madrid, hideous crime as it was, threatened the life of their nation. Their legendary pride would not allow it. Terrorist violence, serious as it is, does not threaten our institutions of government or our existence as a civil community.
The real threat to the life of the nation, in the sense of a people living in accordance with its traditional laws and political values, comes not from terrorism but from laws such as these. That is the true measure of what terrorism may achieve. It is for Parliament to decide whether to give the terrorists such a victory.”