The Doctor Who finale summarised for beginners

After dealing with Sam Tyler – who had had an evil heartbeat (as orchestrated by Murray Gold) put into his head by James Bond, sometime after his earlier Sydney Newman and Philip from Rising Damp incarnations – young Casanova heard Great Uncle Bulgaria knocking at the magic alien perspex that contained radiation even when a door opens to let someone in. Casanova throws his papers about and bemoans the dying of his light. Great Uncle Bulgaria starts to wail that as an old Womble he should be taken instead. Casanova pulls himself together (looking in fine fettle for a bloke who’s fallen from a great height which had previously killed off his Rasputin incarnation) and opens the magic door (miraculously preventing the escape of any radiation) allowing Great Uncle Bulgaria out. He then is swamped in radiation (previously enough to kill off his Worzel Gummidge incarnation) but somehow manages to travel around for a series of missing Big Finish adventures discovering that his two black companions have got together and become gun fetishists, before he pimps for a sad musical star forgiving him for earlier killing his grandson while the musical star visits the Star Wars cantina, goes to visit a dead character to borrow a quid to buy a lottery ticket, has a quick trip to see the granddaughter or great granddaughter of a woman he once loved, no doubt pops in on the singer that worked as a waitress on the Titanic, has a quick trip to Victorian times to take in a trip to Gordon Brown who once thought he was Casanova, pops in on Chip in new Earth to see how his tattoo is doing, then decides to come full circle by stalking a call girl and her mum viewed through the prism of an alien eating tagliatelle.

Casanova then dies to be replaced by a political researcher who seems very pleased that he has all his faculties while gurning for Britain and pretending he’s Biggles.

THE END.

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