The following statements have been issued via my website in response to the hedge related collision story I have been involved in in recent days.
"Having walked into a hedge on leaving for the bus this morning I have no comment to make and would ask that you respect my privacy."
"I would like to thank you for your good wishes in relation to the pedestrian hedge related incident yesterday. The hedge is undamaged."
"Walking into a hedge was my fault and is embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and not perfect and will try not to walk into a hedge again "
"Walking into a hedge is a private matter and I’d like to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity as to how I ended up walking into my hedge on a reasonably crisp Friday morning I only have this to say: Come on guys it’s a hedge.
And I’d just like to stress that the many false, unfounded, and malicious rumours about me and a propensity to walk into hedges are irresponsible. The only person responsible for walking into a hedge is me. My wife acted courageously when she saw it happen. She was the first to help me. She pulled me up, and dusted me off – vigorously which may to an external observer have appeared to be some sort of violent assault. That she was carrying textbooks which she dropped in my general direction in her haste to assist me is merely testament to her professional approach to her work. Any assertion that my wife shouted "you stupid bloody fool you’ve walked into a hedge" while hitting me with textbooks is completely false.
Walking into a hedge has been stressful and very difficult for my wife, my family and me.
I appreciate the concern and wishes we’ve received. I would ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy, even in such a controversial pedestrian hedge related collision."
"It appears that there are allegations that there was more than one hedge involved in a pattern of unrelated hedge colliding incidents.
I’m thinking. I’ll get back to you."
"I’ve let my family down by bumping into more than one hedge and I regret those hedge bumping transgressions with all of my heart. I’ve not been true to my deciduous shrubs dallying with an evergreen and this is not the kind of hedge related behaviour I can condone or that my family deserves. I’m not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my propensity to indulge in casual and meaningless hedge colliding behind closed doors with my family. Our detailed discussion of the complex feelings that arise from a clumsy husband and father bumping into hedges should be shared by us alone.
Although I am obscure and virtually anonymous, I’ve been dismayed to realise the full extent of the modern media, via twitter, and its hedge related scrutiny including the taunts about "keeping things privet". For the last few days my family and I have been hounded to expose details of our garden and driveway, and reveal all of about our attractive shrubbery and rockery. The stories, in particular that sarcastic comments and violent assault, played any role in the aftermath of my hedge collisions were utterly false and malicious.
But, no matter how stupid one is to bump into a hedge, there is a deep principle at stake: the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. For me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in all matters including those that involve perambulating naively and accidentally into a hedge. Personal sins should not require press releases and hedge collisions due to momentary clumsiness shouldn’t have to force an anonymous blogger into making public confessions. Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down by walking into two hedges on my way to the bus have been shared and felt by us alone. I’ve given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.
I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves by not walking into any hedges in future. Ever.
To my family I offer my profound apologies, and to the hedges I have clashed with I offer a profound and sincere apology, provided that all means of identification (scraps of cloth, missing suit buttons, my mobile telephone number or the like) are removed and no recourse is taken to the media."
As this brings an end to the matter I would like to indicate that I will not comment further on this unfortunate incident.