The Verdict, coming soon to BBC 2 television, where a celebrity jury decide a rape case. The jury comprises Lord ARcher, Sarah Payne’s mother, Honor Blackman, Stan Collymore, Patsy Palmer, Michael Portillo, Ingrid Tarrant, Jennifer Ellison (nope, me neither), Jacqueline Gold, Alex James, MegaMan (nope, me neither), Dominic McVey (coyly listed as an entrepreneur). It’s unscripted with a real judge, real barristers, and only fictitious witnesses.
Already this offends me on many levels.
The more that is commissioned, the more TV moves beyond satire.
Edited to add: the who’s that of the jury.
OK, I know who Jeffrey the Liar is. Michael Portillo, yes. I have a vague recollection of Patsy Palmer as someone irritating I used to occasionally glimpse at the very end of EastEnders when I switched to BBC1; Jacqueline Gold… ISTR a programme about successful businesswomen which said she was ; Honor Blackman, well of course I know who she is; Stan Collymore… nope, can’t figure out who he is, nor Sarah Payne (though that rings a bell); Ingrid Tarrant, Jennifer Ellison, Alex James, MegaMan, Dominic McVey… none of them mean anything to me.
The definition of celebrity is getting a bit elastic. Maybe Portillo, Blackman, Palmer and Mendacious Jeff creep into the category, but the rest…?
Jeffrey Archer is a convicted perjurer. Stan Collymore assaulted his girlfriend in a public place and is currently a depressive dogger. Sara Payne’s daughter was murdered (and is the name usually used in the context of sex offender notification cases in the media). Michael Portillo is the former theatre critic of the New Statesman and star of that programme with Andrew Neil. Patsy Palmer is the red headed woman that shouted RICCKKAAY on Eastenders. Honor Blackman is untouchable, although was at least partly responsible for the numerous series of The Upper Hand. Jacqueline Gold runs Ann Summers. Alex James is a popular music star (Blur?) or played for Scotland at the time of Hughie Gallagher and the Wembley Wizards. Ingrid Tarrant is the estranged wife of Chris “I don’t want to give you that”. I think Ellison was in some show with Gordon Ramsay or that one in the jungle, or the sports one on Channel 4, or Big Brother, but can’t be sure. Megaman is probably a rapper, or a video game character. He will almost certainly have appeared on the Channel 4 sports reality celebrity show (or is he that bloke that met David Cameron to talk about violence in rap lyrics when “Just call me Dave” was getting down with da kidz. McVey is an entrepreneur. Despite this clue I still have no idea who he is.
A fine example of a cross section of modern multi-cultural Britain, and a typical jury of the sort one encounters every day in the English courts (although form my recollection of Judge John Deed – the jury should contain at least one High Court judge for balance).
Oh, that Sarah Payne. And, er, her mother is a celebrity? Crikey.
Well it’s a new kind of sleb isn’t it, the Victim Parent. Suzy Lamplugh’s mother, James Bulger’s parents, Leah Betts’ obnoxious father, etc. etc.
Depressing.
“Well it’s a new kind of sleb isn’t it, the Victim Parent.”
Too true, sadly.
I feel a Charlie Brooker article coming on…
Isn’t Megaman one of So Solid Crew, a sort of cross between a crime wave and a shit rap act? ISTR that he’s been had up for attempted murder at least once.
After an extensive google search I can confirm he is an energy saving lightbulb
http://www.megamanuk.com/
And Megaman seems to be a lightbulb
http://www.megamanuk.com/
This must be a spoof. If it were a genuine reality tv programme, Jeff Brazier would be on the jury.
“This must be a spoof. If it were a genuine reality tv programme, Jeff Brazier would be on the jury.”
You speak too soon. Jeff will be presenting The Verdict’s Little Verdict on BBC3 with OJ Simpson and Phil the power Taylor from the original Crown Court studio.
Complete with grainy fake footage of the late Leighton Rees and “Big” Cliff Lazarenko doing over a launderette in Stoke Newington?
Hey, now we’re talking about real sports personalities of any year.
Apparently there is going to be a BBC3 programme supporting it according to this morning’s Guardian. There you get to watch Portillo and Archer have dinner. I assume Marcus “the voice of Big Brother” is being brought in to fulfil his customary duties.